Bad Book Month
In Which I Read Bad Books on Purpose
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
Oh, my. This book justifies Bad Book Month all by itself. It's appalling. The redeeming factors are few and far between (mostly Charlie, because he's sweet; and maybe Jasper), but they're helpless against the overwhelming gag factor.
The most appalling element, however, is how popular this novel is. How many teenage girls are drinking this up and screaming for more. I fear for my gender's future, for what they're learning about love and relationships through this series.
However, I'm not the only one who's noticed the general lack of quality about this book (and its sequels, which I hear just get worse). avadriel posted an insightful, if scathing, review of the book. Reading the one-star reviews on Amazon is also quite fun.
Because of the amount of anti-Twilight stuff out there - though, granted, it only equals the smallest fraction of the pro-Twilight fangirl mania - I'm not going to write a review. I'm not going to go into the disturbing way Bella and Edward's obsessive relationship is portrayed as true love, or how borderline abusive it is, with Bella's complete lack of self outside Edward and Edward's controlling, emotionally unstable behavior. I don't have anything new to say on the topic.
I am, instead, going to provide you with a catalog. A count of various elements in the book, which should give you a feel for exactly how numerous its flaws are.The CatalogI would have kept track of how many times Edward's mood shifts unexpectedly and for no reason, but I didn't have that much paper. I am sad, though, that I didn't keep track of how many times words like "granite," "stone," and "marble" are used in reference to Edward. His arms, his lips. Explain to me how kissing cold, marble lips is at all appealing. And yet it makes Bella faint. I give up.
Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372
Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5
Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.
References to Edward's Beauty: 165
Broken Down into the following categories -
The Number of Times...
- Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)
- Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)
- Eyes: 17
- Movement: 11
- Smile: 10
- Teeth: 8
- Muscles: 7
- Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)
- Iron Strength or Limbs: 5
- Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)
- Scent: 4
- Laughter: 3
- Handwriting: 2
- Chest: 2
- Driving Skills: 1
- Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26
- Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22
- Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17
- Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16
- Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12
- Edward and Bella Kiss: 8
- Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)
- Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1
- Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1
- Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6
- Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)
- Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5
- Edward Sparkles: 3
- Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3
- Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3
- Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)
- Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2
- Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1
- Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0
I highly suggest reading the rest of the review, which includes a parody by the author entitled "Duskiness."